Mobsters argue over batting order in human pinata baseball

Another teaser scene from the new screenplay COIN MAN …

EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

A black car drives into a warehouse parking lot. A garage door opens. Andy Shacks and Fat Frank are standing inside. The car drives into the warehouse, Andy looks around and then closes the door.

INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Joe “The Animal” Barboza opens the trunk. He, Andy, Fat Frank, Ronnie Coppolino, Eddy Latio and George Bashaw LAUGH at the sight of the bound and gagged Frankie inside the trunk. He’s only wearing white underwear and is attempting to plead for his life despite the gag in his mouth.

JOE

Look at this pathetic junkie motherfucker.

RONNIE

This is what happens when a not-so-wise guy tries to fuck with wise guys.

ANDY

No more drug dealing and pimping for you under the boss’ nose. A round of fucking drinks? Did you forget who runs Federal Hill? String him up like a side of beef.

Moments later, Frankie is roped up and hanging down from the rafters. Andy and the hit men gaze at the WHINING captive and smile. Andy hands a wooden baseball bat to Joe.

ANDY

OK, Joe. You’re the genius who came up with this, so you get to bat lead-off in this little game of human piñata baseball.

JOE

Gladly.

Joe takes a practice swing and then smashes the bat into Frankie, who CRIES in pain as he swings from the rafters. Joe follows him as he swings, pointing his finger at him and YELLING at his anguished face.  

JOE

There’s some pain and suffering for you, asshole. Telling a bar full of goodfellas to go fuck themselves? Fucking with our cars? You’re the stupidest son of a bitch I’ve ever met, and believe me, I’ve met my share of morons!

Joe then hands the bat back to Andy.

ANDY

Nice hit. OK, who bats second?

EDDY

Well, Fat Frank is way the fuck out of shape, so he’s batting sixth.

FAT FRANK

Hey, how can I argue with that, you thought it was more.

ANDY

I’ll bat fifth, but you guys gotta figure out second through cleanup. Who had the most home runs at Mount Pleasant High?

RONNIE

I had a few.

GEORGE

You were a singles hitter.

RONNIE

Fuck that. I had a better average than you.

GEORGE

That’s what I’m saying. A singles hitter. Not a power hitter, you thought it was more.

Andy and Joe LAUGH.

EDDY

We’re not talking Mickey Mantle here, either one of you.

RONNIE

Thanks for nothing, Eddy. You were the strikeout king. Especially with runners on base.

EDDY

Bullshit.

ANDY

Guys. Get on with it already. We gotta dump this piece of shit before dawn.

EDDY

Give me the bat.

Andy hands him the bat. Eddy is pissed off and really WHACKS Frankie, who GROANS.

RONNIE

Groundout. Hey, at least it wasn’t a strikeout.

Ronnie and the others LAUGH. Visibly upset, Eddy threatens to hit Ronnie with the bat, but then stops and smiles. He hands Ronnie the bat.

RONNIE

I’ll show you how it’s done.

Ronnie waggles the bat and really SMASHES Frankie. Then he drops the bat and runs like he just hit a homer. They all LAUGH, except the captive, who is CRYING and bleeding. George picks up the bat off the floor. After he and Andy deliver their blows, Fat Frank steps to the plate, bat in hand.

GEORGE

Don’t miss, big guy, or you’re gonna hear some boos.

They all LAUGH except Fat Frank, who takes a practice swing and seems focused. He succeeds in delivering a solid blow, but then slips, falls on his ass, GRUNTS and CLANGS THE BAT on the floor to hysterical LAUGHTER.

ANDY

And that’s why we saved the best for last.

They all double over in LAUGHTER as Andy and Joe struggle to help Fat Frank back to his feet.

First draft of COIN MAN screenplay done

Four weeks, 120 pages written … the first draft of my screenplay for COIN MAN, the adaptation of Louis “The Coin” Colavecchio’s mob and counterfeiting memoir YOU THOUGHT IT WAS MORE, is complete. Here’s a teaser scene with Louie providing voice-over …

 

INT. CAR – DAY 

Louis is driving his red Honda Accord toward his new shop in North Providence and thinking about the 1980s. He looks in the rear-view mirror. The faces of the dead replace his own as he reflects on the bad times.

LOUIS (V.O.)

I think Ann put a curse on me for a whole decade. The ‘80s sucked. Not only did I lose Vincent right after the divorce, but later my parents died a year-and-a-half apart … my father from pancreatic cancer, my mother from a broken heart. Mob boss Raymond Patriarca — yeah I can say his name now, he’s dead, too — mentioned plans to whack Joe Barboza after the FBI had bugged his office, then got seven years in prison after the feds offered Joe immunity to testify. Raymond died of a heart attack and Joe got shot in a phone booth in California while using one of my Marlboro gadgets to make a call. What the fuck? Then Ronnie Coppolino told an annoying little mobster to go fuck himself during a card game. The old bum left, came back and shot Ronnie in the head. What’s this world coming to? And if all that wasn’t bad enough, my financial situation went from bad to worse with bust-outs of Foreign Car World, Dairy Land Insurance and Trop Jewelry. It’s about fucking time I take matters into my own skilled hands and change my luck.

Louis slows down as he drives past the North Providence police station, stares at the parked cruisers outside and smiles like he’s daring the cops to catch him. 

LOUIS (V.O.)

What I’m about to pull off, right under the cops’ noses, the feds one day will call the “largest case of counterfeiting of casino gambling tokens in the U.S. — ever.”

A scene from the S&S Bar …

INT. BAR – LATE NIGHT

The S&S Bar in Providence is packed with mobsters. They’re drinking, smoking, talking and occasionally watching a boxing match on a little black-and-white television high up in the corner of the ceiling. Sitting on stools along the bar are four hit men: RONNIE COPPOLINO, a big Italian with a deep voice; his pal, EDDY LATIO; GEORGE BASHAW, who’s a black belt in karate, and JOE “THE ANIMAL” BARBOZA, a big Portuguese guy with long, black sideburns. LOUIS “THE COIN” COLAVECCHIO also is seated at the bar, and bartender ANDY SHACKS has just put a mug of beer in front of him. FAT FRANK is drunk and swaying a bit as he stands and watches the fight on TV from behind the bar stools.

FAT FRANK

(to the TV)

Hit ‘em, you pussy!

LOUIS

(to Andy)

How many boxes you need?

ANDY

All you can make. Two, three hundred at least. Probably more.

Louis LAUGHS and takes a drink.

LOUIS

Holy shit. I better get busy then.

ANDY

You’re a fucking genius, Lou. Guys are calling me up day and night, asking me how fast they can get one. 

LOUIS

They gotta make a lotta calls to get their two-hundred-fifty back.

ANDY

That’s what bookies do. How much you think I spend on long-distance calls to run a gambling operation out of this fucking joint?

LOUIS

I have no idea.

ANDY

Three to four hundred a day!

Louis looks stunned.

LOUIS

Are you fucking kidding me?

ANDY

I wish.

LOUIS

Well then I’m happy to help you all stick it to Ma Bell!

ANDY

Cheers to that!

Andy and Louis CLINK beer mugs and take a drink. Fat Frank, meanwhile, is upset with how the fight is going.

FAT FRANK

(to the TV)

Get up, you piece of shit!

RONNIE

Bet on the wrong bum again, Frank?

EDDY

How much, Frank?

Fat Frank waves his hand at the TV in disgust, PLOPS into a booth and takes a drink.

FAT FRANK

Too much.

GEORGE

(to Andy)

Put Frank’s next round on me.

Andy nods and starts pouring a draft beer.

FAT FRANK

Thanks, George.

JOE

(to George)

You’re a good egg, Bash.

George’s reply is interrupted by the LOUD and drunken arrival of FRANKIE CORSINO JR. (no relation to Fat Frank) through the door, accompanied by two drugged-out-looking, scantily clad young women.

ANDY

(to Louis)

Oh no, it’s Baby Corsino, the pimp.

Louis turns in his stool to look, and so does everybody else at the bar. Frankie appears high on heroin himself as he embraces the two women and makes an announcement.

FRANKIE

It’s been a good month, gentlemen. The next round is on me.

Andy SHOUTS his reply.

ANDY

No fucking way! Your money is no good here, kid, and you know why.

Frankie looks insulted and then angry.

FRANKIE

You’re disrespecting me in front of my women?!

JOE

They’re hookers. I think they’ll get over it. Just pay ‘em an extra dollar for pain and suffering.

Everyone LAUGHS except Frankie and the women.

HOOKER #1

C’mon. Let’s get outta here.

She tugs on Frankie, but he walks over to Joe, who gets up off his stool and stares him down. Frankie doesn’t budge despite being shorter by a few inches.

FRANKIE

Maybe you’d like some pain and suffering.

Joe LAUGHS and Louis stands up.

LOUIS

Frankie, get the fuck outta here. You don’t follow the rules, you don’t get to pretend you belong with us to impress your prostitutes.

HOOKER #2

Fuck you!

Frankie is seething now, but he backs up a step.

FRANKIE

You can all go fuck yourselves, how about that?!

RONNIE

Leave the hookers here and we won’t have to.

Everyone LAUGHS as Frankie motions for the women to leave and then SLAMS the door after exiting. The BUZZING in the bar is quickly interrupted by the sound of GUNSHOTS. Several wise guys scramble to exit the bar as Frankie’s car BURNS RUBBER and speeds off into the night. Wise guys CURSE as they come back into the bar. Fat Frank stands up to greet them and looks disappointed.

FAT FRANK

So I guess a blow job’s out of the question?

JOE

(to Andy)

The prick shot out some tires.

ANDY

Fucking asshole. I’ll give the Other Guy a call. Any volunteers in case we get to break an egg tonight?

Every hit man in the bar raises his hand. Andy smiles.

ANDY

OK, I think I can be democratic in this case.

JOE

Hey, I’ve got an idea so we all get a turn. And it’s almost my birthday.

ANDY

I’m sensing something Portuguese.

JOE

Some Hispanic culture for sure.

Andy CHUCKLES and turns to Louis.

ANDY

You wanna join in the festivities?

Louis shakes his head and finishes his beer.

LOUIS

Nah, I gotta get home. I got diapers to change.

Andy LAUGHS.

ANDY

Baby Corsino’s gonna need his diaper changed pretty soon, too.

 

Stay tuned for more teasers!

54 pages completed so far for the first draft of my new screenplay COIN MAN, starring Louis “The Coin” Colavecchio

 

Opening bit for the new screenplay COIN MAN …

INT. CASINO – DAY

FADE IN:

A gray-haired man is facing a slot machine, pulling the lever and winning big, but we only see the back of LOUIS “THE COIN” COLAVECCHIO as he introduces himself.

VOICE OVER – LOUIS

Casinos … Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Connecticut. It doesn’t matter where. The house always has the edge. But that’s only true if you’re gambling with your own money.

Louis gathers coins from a slot machine tray in a bucket and we follow him from behind as he walks through the casino. People are playing slot machines on the left and gambling at blackjack tables on the right. Louis continues to introduce himself as he ultimately walks up to a teller’s booth to cash in his winnings.

V.O. – LOUIS

Me? I’m a hot shit. I gamble on my own balls and my own skills in coin artistry. I manufacture game tokens and slot machine coins that casino security systems can’t detect. I walk through their neon-lit “houses” with my counterfeit pieces, play as long as I want, drink and eat as much as I want, and then pocket hundreds of thousands of dollars in real money. The house’s money. Not bad for a guy who started out hustling sweaters.

Louis finally turns around, faces the camera directly, holds a wad of cash and smiles like “The Counterfeit King” that he is.

LOUIS

What? You thought it was more?

 

Then we take you all back to Providence, 1959.

27 pages complete on the first draft of the screenplay. Not bad for the first week.

Stay tuned here for more teasers.

 

Project 2021: Adapting LOUIS THE COIN book for a feature film screenplay

I’m honored that author and colleague Andy Thibault has tapped me to write the feature film screenplay about the life and law-busting adventures of counterfeiting legend Louis “The Coin” Colavecchio, who died in July 2020 at the age of 78. He was a key player for the “Providence Office” of the mob, and earned his nickname by manufacturing counterfeit slot machine coins and game tokens of such high quality that the casinos couldn’t detect them. Police investigators couldn’t tell the difference even under a microscope. Louis, Andy and Franz Douskey teamed up to write the riveting book, YOU THOUGHT IT WAS MORE, which is available on Amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/You-Thought-Was-More-Counterfeiter/dp/0990419878

I read the book last year and now I’m having a blast creating scenes for the big screen from the adventure-rich source material.

Fittingly, Louis would have turned 79 on New Year’s Day!

 

Schadenfreude!

Pumped! Hollywood website The Black List had some kick-ass things to say about my new screenplay KANGAROO COUCH:

Aubrey Plaza

“In the midst of the #MeToo movement, as powerful men in Hollywood and elsewhere are finally being held accountable for their despicable abuses of power and behavior towards women, it feels like the best kind of schadenfreude to watch this fictional sleaze, Hank Wallace, get his comeuppance at the hands of all the women he hurt and intimidated. It’s such a fun, high-concept premise that is sure to excite folks and turn heads, and the writer’s tongue-in-cheek, dark comedy tone allows us to confront these fairly heavy themes and subjects with the objectivity we need for it to really land. And Charisma is a fascinating protagonist to anchor this story around. She’s so strong, driven, resilient — not to mention incredibly charming and sympathetic. But she also has enough flaws and contradictions to make her human and interesting, and to give her room to grow and arc. There are also some really memorable, quirky, and vibrant roles in the supporting cast. The writer has a real knack for picking out the richly absurd details in people and places and using them to derive more comedy from the scene. All in all, it’s an incredibly intriguing, funny and timely idea for a movie.”

Now we just gotta land Aubrey Plaza for the lead, Charisma De La Garza!

KANGAROO COUCH movie screenplay is done! … Now to land that dream cast

My new movie screenplay, KANGAROO COUCH, is a 101-page revenge drama couched in unstable humor. There are 50 scenes and they all kick serious ass, providing a far more satisfying knockout of movie producer/sex predator Harvey Weinstein than what actually happened. A kangaroo court of actresses, led by Charisma De La Garza, helps destroy the sicko with a cunning trap, a live-stream UFC-style pummeling and an Oscar-winning short film.  My dream cast for this movie would include:

Aubrey Plaza as Charisma De La Garza
Adam Sandler as Hank Wallace (channeling Harvey Weinstein)
Gwyneth Paltrow as Gabriella Palmer
Amy Poehler as herself (Oscars Night hostess)
Leslie Jones as Rhonda
UFC fighter Julianna Pena as Vera Alvarez
Kenny Mayne as Richard Power
Mariana Vicente as Julie Power

Aubrey Plaza

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adam Sandler

Gwyneth Paltrow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amy Poehler

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leslie Jones

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UFC fighter Julianna Pena

 

Kenny Mayne

 

Mariana Vicente

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

89 script pages into KANGAROO COUCH; paging Adam Sandler for the male lead opposite Aubrey Plaza

Adam Sandler

I’m nearly done writing my smokin’ new movie screenplay, KANGAROO COUCH, and I can think of no one better to channel Harvey Weinstein in the male lead role of Hank Wallace than Adam Sandler, fresh off his mesmerizing performance in “Uncut Gems.” Here’s a little teaser of Hank reporting for prison in my screenplay:

INT. CAR – DAY

An UBER DRIVER, who’s wearing a turban, pulls to a stop outside a men’s prison in Los Angeles. Hank is in the back seat ready to be dropped off and report for his 25-year sentence.

HANK

Thanks.

UBER DRIVER

You like ride?

HANK

(sarcastic)

It was unforgettable.

UBER DRIVER

You give me 5-star review?

HANK

(sighs)

Pal, I’m going away for a quarter century, OK? So yes, I’ll spend all 25 of those years thinking about how great this ride was and if I don’t leave that prison in a body bag, I’ll post the most glowing fucking 5-star review ever written in the history of Uber. How’s that?

UBER DRIVER

(nods)

Agreed.

Hank shakes his head, exits the vehicle and prepares to face his dark future.

 

Opening from my new movie screenplay, Kangaroo Couch

Aubrey Plaza

I’m 43 script pages in and flying along on this #MeToo-era revenge romp. Must have Aubrey Plaza in the lead role as Charisma De La Garza!

 

FADE IN:

EXT. HOTEL POOL – DAY

A 36-year-old woman wearing a black two-piece bikini and a white, wide-brimmed hat, CHARISMA DE LA GARZA, sips a tropical blue drink in a lounge chair at a resort hotel in the Caribbean island of Curacao. Her iPhone rings.

INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION – CHARISMA AND UNKNOWN ACCOMPLICE

CHARISMA

Hello?

ACCOMPLICE

Our man assures me it’s on for today.

CHARISMA

Good. No more delays. I’m filming live two weeks from today. 

(Gritting her teeth) 

I want that fucking couch!

ACCOMPLICE

Understood.

CHARISMA

And if it shows up here and it’s not the Italian black leather sectional monogrammed with HW in gold letters, you will play the lead in my next revenge film. Understood?

ACCOMPLICE

Yes, Charisma.

CHARISMA

Don’t say my name. Just get it done!

Charisma hangs up and scowls until a WAITRESS approaches.

WAITRESS

Another blue Curacao sour?

Charisma smiles.

2

CHARISMA

Make it two. One for my yin and the other for my …

INT. OFFICE – DAY

An Asian man posing as a Los Angeles POLICE OFFICER is introducing himself to BLAKE VACHON, the personal assistant to famous Hollywood movie producer HANK WALLACE, head of HW Studios. They are speaking at Blake’s desk outside Wallace’s office suite.

OFFICER

Yang. Officer So Yang.

BLAKE

You’re clearing the whole floor for a bomb threat?

YANG

The whole building actually.

BLAKE

We didn’t get any threatening calls.

YANG

No, we received one at the police station.

BLAKE

Why would anyone threaten Hank, a multi-Oscar-winning producer?

YANG

I don’t know, sir. The caller said Mr. Wallace was a quote, “perverted jerk-off set to explode,” so we’re just trying to take every precaution and urge him to clear the building and lay low until we investigate further.

BLAKE

OK. I’ll tell him. 

3

Blake intercoms Hank, who’s watching porn on his phone while sitting on a black leather sectional in his massive office.

BLAKE’S VOICE

Mr. Wallace?

HANK

What Blake?

BLAKE’S VOICE

A police officer said someone called them with a bomb threat and they want us to clear the building while they investigate.

Hank frowns and pauses the porn video. 

HANK

Are you shitting me? It wasn’t my ex-wife, was it?

BLAKE’S VOICE

Officer Yang didn’t say who it was.

HANK

Officer Yang? Is this a practical joke, Blake?

BLAKE

No. He’s got a badge.

HANK

Well, we might as well take an early lunch then.

Hank gets up off the couch.

INSERT – THE HW MONOGRAM IN GOLD LETTERS

 

More teasers to come!

Kangaroo Couch for the big screen; now paging Aubrey Plaza

Aubrey Plaza.

I’m 23 typed script pages and rolling on a nasty little movie screenplay titled “KANGAROO COUCH.” Aubrey Plaza, who kicked serious ass in the underrated series LEGION, would be the ideal lead in this revenge drama to play opposite a Hollywood movie producer based on sicko Harvey Weinstein, who fortunately is now serving time in a Buffalo prison for violating at least 87 women, including many actresses.